haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
