Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
