I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
