I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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