just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
We smell like vodka and hangover
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
