I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize