Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
