Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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