I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
