And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
