i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Come share oat with me in your robe
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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