she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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