my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
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He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.