i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.