He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.