he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
