I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have fence marks all over my body
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
