You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
