SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
