Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
