I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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