I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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