My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
