My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
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Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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