you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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