She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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