When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
