Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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