Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
