I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
