Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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