i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
thus making me awesome and them whores
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
