ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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