So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
