I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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