i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
