my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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