I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
