apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
