4 words: hood of his car
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
