Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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