Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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