After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
