now i know why i became what i already was.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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