that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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