Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
