There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
