the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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