Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
