i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
