Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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