I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
