Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
pray to the hookup gods
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