So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
