How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
