I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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