I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
