I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
why is half of my head shaved?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
